Moon & Tai's Van Helsing ReMake
by Moon -Cien- and Tai
Summary: Moon and Tai rewrite the Van Helsing movie script. Warning: This story contains random moments, stupid jokes, and on occasion actual people? xD Now completed. Check it out.
1. Default Chapter

**Disclaimer: We do not own Van Helsing and Co. Or anything else that we steal from others...Uh.. We do own our names...Yeah...**

**Setting: Dr. Frankenstein's Laboratory (muahahahaha)**

**(Music: Bum bum bum nununu)**

Dr. Frankenstein: It LIVES! Yay. IT LIVES! Woohoo!

Frankie(Monster): No! I want to be dead for just FIVE MORE MINUTES!

Dr. Frankenstein: But you're alive now, aren't you happy?

Frankie: (gets up and walks to window to see villagers ramming the doors) The other kids don't like me. They tease me...

Dr. Frankenstein: (hugs Frankie) Aww... It's all right. They just don't understand you. They'll grow to accept you.

Frankie: (sob) If you say so...

Dracula: (from behind) BOO!

Dr. Frankenstein Frankie: (gasp) Holy crap!

Dracula: (Sees Frankie) Oh my goodness, are you ugly! I mean...

Frankie: (breaks down into uncontrollable sobbing) I TOLD YOU!

Dr. Frankenstein: (slaps Dracula) Count! How dare you!

Dracula: Hey, what was that for? That really hurt... (remembers his REAL line) Oh yeah... SUCCESS!

Dr. Frankenstein: (exasperated sigh) You're a little late, aren't you?

Dracula: No matter. Give me that... thing?

Dr. Frankenstein: (Stands on windowsill) Never! You'll never take him while I live!

Dracula: Good! (Pushes Dr. Frankenstein out window)

Dr. Frankenstein: Curse my terrible common seeeeennnnssse!

(Splat)

Dracula: (Leans out window) Eww...

Frankie: NOOO! (leaps out window, picks up the Dr. and flies away)

Dracula: He can fly?

Peter Pan: He can fly!

Dracula: Wait a minute.. MoonRose! Tai! He can't fly!

Moon: Sure he can! I want him that way.

Tai: You know, she has a point. You are only a creature of our imaginations...

Dracula: What's that supposed to mean.

Moon: Are you that dumb?

Tai: (sigh) What she means to say is we pretty much thought you up and we can kill you. (Stares) With our minds...

Moon: (clears throat) ACTION!

Dracula: Right... (exits stage)


	2. He tripped!

**Disclaimer: We own nothing that our minds have not created on their own.**

**Setting: In Notre Dame (Van Helsing and Mr. Hyde are talking)**

Van Helsing: Good evening, Dr. Jekyll...

Jekyll/Hyde: It's Mr. Hyde now.

Van Helsing: Oh... Hmm... Well, when do you think Dr. Jekyll will get back?

Jekyll/Hyde: Hmm... I dunno I guess it depends... Y'know we've got an answering machine?

Van Helsing: Oh! Great! (Walks back stage to an answering machine, followed by Hyde)

Jekyll/Hyde: (presses a button)

Dr. Jekyll's Voic: Hello! It's Dr. Jekyll! I can't come to the office right now, I'm off being Mr. Hyde. Leave a message after the tone and I'll get back to your corpse as soon as I can.

(Beeeeeeep)

Van Helsing: Oh crap. How much time do I have to answer? Uhmm...

Jekyll/Hyde: I don't know, hurry up.

Van Helsing: Oh, sorry. Uhm... Hello, Dr. Jekyll. It's-

(Beeep)

Van Helsing: Crap!

Jekyll/Hyde: Try it again. (Presses button) Be quick this time.

Dr. Jekyll's Voic: Hello! It's Dr. Jekyll! I can't come to the office right now, I'm off being Mr. Hyde. Leave a message after the tone and I'll get back to your corpse as soon as I can.

Van Helsing: (Hastily) HELLODR.JEKYLLTHISISVANHELSINGISEEYOU'RENOTHERERIGHTNOWI'LLKILLYOULATER!BYE!

(BEEEP)

Jeklly/Hyde: Yay! You did it! (Trips over answering machine cord and falls through window)

Van Helsing: (looks out window) It wasn't me!

Stranger: Van Helsing! You murder!

Van Helsing: He tripped on the cord!

Moon: Thank goodness. He was freaking ugly!

Tai: You have a point. It's a shame he was so big. If he hadn't had giant hams for feet, he probably wouldn't have fallen. (Pats Van Helsing on the back) At least it makes your job easier.

Moon: (grabs Van Helsing's hat!) FINALLY! (runs off stage)

Van Helsing: Give that back!

Moon: (shouting) NO! It's cool!

Tai: (shifty eyes) I'm... alone. (Runs off)


	3. Moon Tortures Carl

**Disclaimer: Uh... Well, obviously, we don't own any characters/jokes/etc. that we don't come up with on our own so...yeah...**

**Setting: Holy Orders' Lab (Carl is running around the lab with his head on fire, screaming like a woman. Van Helsing watches, amused.)**

Van Helsing: You should really be more careful, Carl.

Carl: (between girlish screams) Shut-up-Van-Helsing

Moon: I shall save you. (Spits a loogie on Carl's head)

Tai: That's...weird...

Carl: (whining) Ewww...

Van Helsing: Okay...

Moon: (laughs maniacally and continues to spit on Carl) Haha!

Tai: (stands by Van Helsing, watching) They are...(sighs) strange...

Van Helsing: Uh huh...

Moon: Muahahahaha! (Chases after Carl)

Carl: (Whining again) Get away! (Screams)

Van Helsing: What was the point of this scene?

Tai: I've no clue...

Moon: (stops and begins to act "normal") I just wanted to torture poor Carl.

Carl: (Runs off set, screaming)

Tai: I think...it worked...(Walks away)

Van Helsing: (Looks over at Moon. Then turns and runs after Carl) Don't Leave Me!

Moon: Erm... Hi! I'm Moon! (Is pulled off set by Tai)


	4. Killing Anna

**Disclaimer: We already told you nerdy movie fans that we don't own this stuff so...what more can we say?**

**Setting: Anna and Velkan are hunting the Werewolf.**

Velkan: Anna, are you absolutely _sure_ this is a good idea?

Anna: (looking in a mirror) Huh? You say something?

(A werewolf springs out of the forest, bounding toward Velkan)

Velkan: Oh, crap!

(Tai walks in and fast-forwards to the part where Anna is standing on the cliff and the Werewolf is running toward her.)

Anna: Shoot.

Velkan: Nooo! (Jumps in front of Anna and the Werewolf drags him over the cliff)

Anna: NOOO! Velkan! You forgot to get me a birthday present this year! NOOO!

Moon: (Shifty eyes) Hmm... (shoves Anna off the cliff)

Anna: Yay! Velkan! Oh...this isn't good...

Tai: (Looks over cliff) She's one of the main charries isn't she?

Moon: Oh...right...Uhmm...

Tai: Listen. You can kill her at the end and say Van Helsing did it, kay?

Moon: (sigh) Okay...

Tai: Good. (Takes out jar with a swearing Tinkerbell in it.) Go get her you retarded pixie!

Tinkerbell: Yeah. Yeah. (Brings back Anna)

Anna: No! Velkan still didn't give me my birthday present.

Moon: (Pulls off Anna's wig) She's a blonde!

Tai: Well, that explains a lot...

Anna: (Whining) Gimme that back. (Reaches for it)

Moon: (Smirks) Ya gotta jump for it. (Holds it higher)

Anna: C'mon. That's not funny. (Stomps foot angrily) Nobody's supposed to know.

(Moon and Tai toss Anna's wig back and forth as she tries to retrieve it)


	5. What's That Noise?

**Disclaimer: We already said we didn't own most of this crap. --**

**Setting: Transylvania**

(Van Helsing and Carl hop off the horses. Carl's foot gets caught in the stirrup and falls face first into the ground.)

Van Helsing: (Looks down at Carl) Ride much?

Carl: (Glaring) Shut it.

Moon: (Walks in and puts it on pause.) We should fast-forward to the vampires.

Tai: Yes! Vampires! Muahahahaa (coughs) Yes. That sounds good. (Fast-forwards)

(A soft beeping sound fills the air.)

Van Helsing: (Oo) What's that...That...That noise?

Carl: What noise?

Anna: Don't you hear it? Oh! It's the brides!

Carl: (Squeals and runs behind his horse)

(The horse sits on Carl)

(Marishka, Verona, Aleera swoop in and the beeping sounds get louder)

Aleera: (A light on her "choker" is flashing and the beeping continues) How am I supposed to be scary when I sound like a cell phone?

Verona: I wish he would've gotten the silent tracers.

(Marishka swoops in, grabbing Anna, who's wig falls off, and flies off.)

Van Helsing: I've gotta crossbow and I might know how to use it!

Carl: (muffled) Lotta good that'll do you...

Van Helsing: Shut up, Carl. (Starts firing with his eyes close)

(A stray arrow hits a fleeing villager in the arm and a second villager stops to stare)

Villager #1: You shot me! Why did you shoot me? Shoot them! (Points at the brides)

Villager #2: (Laughing) He shot you! He shot you in the arm!

Villager #1: That really hurt... (Arm falls off) Ouch...

Villager #2: (Psychotic giggle) His arm fell off and I think he's dead. Hehe.

Van Helsing: (Yells from somewher off-screen) Sorry!

(Meanwhile)

Anna: My wig! You made my wig fall off! I'll kill you! (Searches in pockets, grabs a dagger, and stabs Marishka in the foot.)

Marishka: Ouch! (Drops Anna onto a roof)

Anna: (Scrambles helplessly and falls into a tree, falling through the branches, hits her head, and falls on the ground.) My wig! There you are! (Picks up her wig and puts it on.)

Tai: (OO) That's ironic...

(After Van Helsing is beat up by Marishka, he runs to the church, dips his crossbow into the holy water and attempts to take aim.)

Van Helsing: (whispers) Lady Luck don't fail me now.

Carl: (Pops up out of nowhere) Lady? Are you seeing someone I don't know about.

Van Helsing: For the last time Carl, I'm not gay.

Carl: (Depressed) D'oh! (Scurries off)

(Van Helsing fires with his eyes closed, miraculously hitting Marishka.)

Marishka: (Screeching) No! There are so many things I never got to do! Some many hair products I never got to try! So many skimpy outfits I never got to wear! (Disintegrate)


	6. Of Popcorn, Vodka, and Flashbacks

**Disclaimer: We don't own anything blah blah blah... And the stuff Velkan ate was kinda like on Spongebob. We don't own Balto and that joke was kinda like one of Jeff Foxworthy's jokes. **

**Setting: Somewhere far off which is Dracula's castle.**

Dracula: (Watches computer screen, munching on blood-covered popcorn) Ah! Marishka, what were you thinking? (A yellow light on the screen blinks and goes out.) Ah. Verona and Aleera are on their way back. (A green and a red light on the screen blink and move about.)

(Verona and Aleera arrive, screeching)

Aleera: Master! Marishka! She...she-

Dracula: Gone. Yes, yes. I know. I just saw. (Offers Verona and Aleera popcorn)

Verona: Master, have you no heart?

Dracula: Nope. (Hits chest making a hollow clunking sound.) Hey, no one's perfect.

**Setting: Anna's house**

Anna: How exactly did you get here?

Carl: (feebly) By sea

_**Flash back: **_

_(Groovy sixties music)_

_Carl: I don't feel so good... (vomits over side of boat)_

_Van Helsing: Don't worry. You'll get used to it._

_Carl: ... (barfs)_

_(music ends)_

Carl: Shudders

Van Helsing: Where's Dracula?

Anna: I think this was his house... but he lost it in a poker game.

Carl: More importantly, where's the potty?

Anna: (gives Carl a funny look) Down the hall, up the stairs, turn right, go downstairs, turn left, go up some more stairs, turn around three times and say "where the hell's the stupid door!" and it's at the end of the hall.

Carl: (finishes writing directions on a sticky note) Got it! (Hurries off) Gotta pee, gotta pee...

Van Helsing: Can I have a drink? I'm firsty. (Prays there aren't a lot of directions)

Anna: Uhmm.. The bar's down the hall. Don't get drunk. I don't want you puking in my toilet.

Van Helsing: I'd never make it to the toilet.

Anna: (grossed out) Just don't...

Moon: (tugs on Van Helsing's coat) Psst. You're supposed to knock her out with that crazy perfume or something.

Van Helsing: Oh, right. (Searches in pockets) I can't find the blasted thing.

Tai: Here ya go. We have plenty. (Hands Van Helsing bottle)

Van Helsing: Yay! Taste the fury of my crazy orange knock-out perfume! (Sprays Anna)

Anna: (wtf?) Uh... (faints)

Van Helsing: Now... Off to the bar, Carl! Carl! Carl? Oh well... (runs off)

**Setting: Same place, different time. Part where the werewolf comes in. (Creepy music)**

Anna: (wakes up) Wha 'append? I feel like I've been hit by a truck. Why am I on the floor? Why do I smell like oranges? When did it start raining? How the hell did I get in the kitchen?

Velkan: (Werewolfy drool on on Anna)

Anna: Wait... When did they put a shower in here? Ewww. Why is it sticky? (Feels head) Why is my wig gone! Van Helsing!

Velkan: (falls on floor behind Anna)

Anna: That son of a- Velkan! (Squeals delightedly and hugs him)

Velkan: Anna there's no time. Let go of me, you ditz.

Anna: Velkan! (Huggles) I thought you were dead! Where's my birthday present?

Velkan: Anna! (Shoves away) Listen to me! (Tummy gurgles) Oh no... Oh crap...

Anna: Velkan, what's wrong.

Velkan: It's nothing. Just listen to me... (holds tummy)

(Velkan starts transforming into werewolf, snarling and screaming the whole time)

Anna: (starts crying) What's wrong? What's going on? Where's my birthday present?

Velkan: (farts, windows rattle) I feel better.. (sighs)

Anna: (about to barf) Eww. Velkan! What did you eat?

Velkan: (counts on paws) Some chicken, pulled pork, roast beef, an arm...

Anna: No, just today!

Velkan: (thinks) Some chicken, pulled pork, roast beef, and arm...

Van Helsing: (runs in holding a bottle of vodka) Anna! (Hold gun shakily at Velkan)

Anna: No, you drunken idiot! (Shoves Van Helsing)

Van Helsing: (hiccupping and staggering drunkenly) Hey baby.

Anna: Erg. Run werewolfy! Run!

Van Helsing: Aww. Isn't he cute? He looks like Balto's mommy!

Anna: You idi- Wait... Did you say Balto's MOMMY?

Van Helsing: Yeah. (hiccup) She was some hot wolf or something.

Anna: But he's a dude!

Van Helsing: (hiccups and takes a swig of vodka) So. You're point is?

Anna: Nevermind!

Velkan: (thinks) I'm supposed to jump out the window ain't I? (Jumps out window)

Anna: Velkan! No! You STILL haven't given me my birthday present!

(Van Helsing goes after Velkan)


	7. You're It! wham

**Disclaimer: Kay... Uhm... We don't own half this crap.**

**Setting: Outside in graveyard**

Van Helsing: (Walks around graveyard. No longer staggering and the bottle's gone)

Moon: How'd that happen?

Tai: We gave him cookies.

Moon: Cookies? How's that work?

Tai: Don't ask me.

Gravedigger dude: (jumps out of a coffin) Boo! Hey wanna play shovel tag! (Whacks Tai over head with shovel) BAM YOUR IT! Whose next?

Moon:(runs for her life) AHHHAHHAHAAHHAHAHA

Van Helsing: (steps aside and points at Velkan/Wolfman)

Velkan: (leaps at Gravedigger) MMMM!...TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!

Tai: (wakes up) What happened? Did I get hit by a bus?

Moon: No, a shovel.

Tai: Oh. Okay. (Steals some of Van Helsing's cookies)

Van Helsing: Hey! Those are mine! (Throws tantrum)

Tai: Here there's one left. We'll split it. (Splits cookie down middle and gives half to Van Helsing)

Van Helsing: YAY! Cookie!

Moon: Get back to work!

Van Helsing: Oh, right. (Fires shot at Velkan but misses)

Anna: (jumps outta nowhere) NO! You can't shoot him! He's my brother and he hasn't given me my birthday present yet!

Van Helsing: (rolls eyes and mimics Anna) Whatever!

**Setting: Castle Frankenstein**

(Velkan's shedding his werewolf skin and transforming into a human)

Dracula: (Grossed out, kinda angry) Igor, get the vacuum! The werewolf's shedding all over the sofa! And the lint roller! He's getting it all over my good black outfit.

Igor: (rolls eyes and waddles off, mumbling)

(Fast-forwards to part were vampire babies come to life. Muahaha)

Van Helsing: (looks around disgustedly) Ewww. Did Dracula sneeze or something?

Anna: Eww. Vampire boogers! I think I'm gonna puke...

(Vampire baby leaps out of big booger thingamajig and clings to Van Helsing)

Baby: MOMMY!

Van Helsing: Holy Hell! I'm not your momma! (Chucks baby at Anna)

Baby: MOMMA! (Clings to Anna's hair)

Anna: Get it off me! GET IT OFF MEE! (Runs in circles screaming)

Tai: (laughing hysterically) More! More! Muahahaha! (Prods a few more little nest things)

(Vampire babies start clinging to Anna screaming "MOMMA! MOMMA!")

Anna: (running in circles) Van Helsing! Do something!

Moon: Holy crap. How many babies does he have?

Tai: Dude, he's been alone with three vampire ladies for like 500 years... You gotta pass the time some how.

Van Helsing/Moon: Ewwie.

Anna: (Runs off and the babies try to follow)

Aleera: SHE'S NOT YOUR MOMMA! (Babies follow Aleera)

Verona: I'm your momma!

Aleera: Nuh uh! I am!

Van Helsing: Who da baby momma?

Moon: (Oo) That just not right.

Tai: (pokes baby) That one kinda looks like you, Aleera... Only kinda bluey-grey and with no hair... but it still looks like you...

Aleera: Are you saying I look like that thing?

Tai: Not all of us can be smexay.

Moon: That's right.

Van Helsing: Okaaay...

(Aleera and Verona swoop off "WHOOSH" screeching and the babies follow them. Dracula casually enters... At least, everyone thought it was Dracula.)

Moon: Who the crap is that?

Tai: (stares in horror, eye twitching) Its...It's...

Moon/Tai: TOUCAN SAM! (Gasp, brains explode from fruitiness)

(For those who do not know TOUCAN SAM -twitch spasms- the evilly gayish Algebra teacher. -barf-)

Van Helsing: (Confused) Who is that guy? Did Dracula cut his hair... And dye it BLONDE? Is he trying to be Anna?

Tai: (lays on the floor twitching spasmodically.)

Moon: Now I remember. I got a note this morning from Dracula. He's sick today from eating too much popcorn. He sent in a substitute.

Sam: (Sickeningly cheerful smile) Hello! I'm S-Dracula! (Horrible accent) I vant to teach you fractions!

Van Helsing: (OO) Okaaay.

Moon: I'm sorry I didn't do my homework! It's just too darn stupid! (Dies XX)

(Carl comes in, with a piece of toilet paper stuck to his shoe... Even though he really shouldn't be in this scene..)

Carl: I just got back from the bathroom! You wouldn't believe how long it took me to f-wait... Dracula what did you do to your hair? You look... gay...

Tai: Carl that's not n-WHAT? You mean, you're not gay?

Carl: Nope.

Moon: Why didn't you say anything before?

Carl: You never asked... You were too busy teasing me.

Sam: (Cheerful smile fades to slightly less cheerful, mumbles) Damn... I mean... VAN HELSING!

Moon: This scene's all screwed up... You people have seen the movie? You don't want to hear them yap about Van Helsing's past do you?

Tai: FAST FORWARD!

Sam: Now... I think we should ask Van Helsing what he thinks we should do...

Van Helsing: Why me?

Sam: Because I value your opinion.

Van Helsing: (Oo) That's...weird.

Tai: FAST FORWARD!


	8. Carl Gets Laid? gasp

**Disclaimer: We don't own anything...Wait...Moon does own Van Helsing's Soul. But besides that we own nothing**

**P.S. THANKS FOR THE REVIEWS SO FAR!**

**Setting: Some room or study in Anna's house**

Moon: (yawns) Has anyone seen Carl?

Tai: (rubs eyes) Who?

(Carl mumbles in his sleep)

Van Helsing: CARL!

Carl: (startled) What the BLOODY HE- oh...umh...I saved her life!

Moon: YOU! AND HER! Ewwie...

Tai: Oooooooooo...you in trouble!

Van Helsing: (disgusted) I can't believe you did that...

Moon: (Gasp) I bet you got her pregnant!

Carl: WHAT! NO I AM NOT! NO! ... WHAT IF SHE IS?

BarMaid: (confused)

Tai: Then there will be lotz of little Carls!

Moon: (dreads the thought)

Van Helsing: Can we just skip this because...we all now know Carl's not gay and he got laid and I didn't.(sigh)

Moon: (Scrambles to fast foward this!) You all know what happens anyway.

**Setting: Part where Anna and Van Helsing find the Frankenstein monster. (Dramatic Music)**

Anna: We've stabbed him, clubbed him, blah blah blah (starts rambling on)

Van Helsing: (thinking) Gosh, does she ever shut up? Maybe she'll shut up if I give her my hat. (Puts hat on Anna's head)

Moon: NOO! It's mine! (Gasp, steals Van Helsing's hat back)

(Van Helsing and Anna fall into the broken down windmill thingamabopper. There are buckets of KFC all over the ground, a bible nearby, and footprints in the mud.)

Van Helsing: Well, whatever it is it's carnivorous... And has a taste for chicken... (starts making a description of Frankie)

Frankie: CHICKEN!

Anna: Holy crap! (Hides behind Van Helsing) It's the Frankenstein monster!

Frankie: MONSTER! Monster? (Breaks down and starts crying) I'm not a monster. What makes you say that? What did I ever do to you? Why can't you leave me alone to eat my chicken in peace? All I want is my chicken, damnit!

Anna: (gasp) He's a seven-foot man eating chicken! (Aims gun at him)

Van Helsing: (grabs Anna's arm) Don't shoot him! A man that loves fried chicken doesn't deserve to die! What's wrong with chicken?

Tai: Mmm... Chicken. (Drools)

Moon: Chicken yum

Van Helsing: He's not evil! He just loves chicken! I can't kill him if he loves chicken. Chicken is good.

Frankie: If you have any sense, you will kill me! Dracula needs me! I have the key to my father's machine!

Van Helsing: You're the key?

Frankie: No... I have the key... I ate it after I was created and well... yeah... I haven't gotten it back yet...

Anna: Ewww.

Frankie: So my father just made me the key... But I still have the original somewhere. (Prods tummy)

Van Helsing: Okaaay...

**(Writers' Block for the next scene)**

**Setting: The Masquerade Ball. Sixties music is playing and there's a disco ball in the middle of the room. Everyone has black sequence on and wearing crazy masks, except for Anna and Dracula 'cause they can't seem to keep up with the times.**

Dracula: (thinking) Finally, I'm dancing with a girl! (Gasp) I can't believe I had to go to senior prom with my aunt Betty...

Anna: (thinking) He needs a breath mint... (starts humming the Mentos theme song)

Van Helsing: (standing on balcony thing with Carl) Dude! I'm Zorro!

Carl: I'm a jester.. (glares) Why do you get all the cool costumes.

Van Helsing: 'Cause I'm the main character in the movie, that's why.

Carl: I'm a main character too.

Van Helsing: Is your name in the title?

Carl: Well... No... but-

Van Helsing: Then you are not worthy enough to wear cool costumes.

Tai: (Pokes Van Helsing) Uhm... (cough)Shouldn't you be saving Anna now?(cough)

Moon: No! Tai! Shut up!

Tai: Moon, remember our little talk earlier? You can kill her at the end.

Moon: (growls) Okay.

Van Helsing: Huh? Oh! Right! Van Helsing to the rescue! (Beats up the trapeze dude)

Carl: (mumbling about Van Helsing's cool costume) And I hate his hat... It's a STUPID hat... (bumps into fire-blowing guy and catches on fire) Ahh! It burns! (Trips over Dracula and catches his costume on fire)

Dracula: Ahh! Do you know how much this cost? (Chucks some random guy across the room)

Random Guy: (raises hand from behind the punch table) I'm okay.

Dracula: (snarl, twitch, foam, rabies) Do you know how long it took me to find a decent Napoleon Dynamite costume?

Carl: Uhm... Uh.. (whimpers) An hour?

Dracula: Well, actually Moon found it on eBay but that's not the point.

Tai: Ah. (Nods) eBay, the Internet black market.

Moon: Don't you have a real line?

Dracula: Huh? Oh. Right. I give you VAN HELSING!

Van Helsing: (waves) Hi...I'm Gabriel and I like to kill things.

Everyone in the room: Hi, Gabriel!

Anna: (laughs) Your name's Gabriel?

Van Helsing: (glaring) Yes. You're just jealous 'cause my name's sexier than Anna.

Anna: (mumbles)

Carl: Aren't we supposed to be saving her?

Van Helsing: (muttering) What? Oh. Right. (Grabs Anna's arm and starts running for a door with a large neon sign that says "EXIT")

Anna: Do you think we're going the right way?

Van Helsing: (sarcastically) Nope. We're just heading for the door with the big sign on it.

Carl: (runs in front of them) I found out what this thing I invented is for!

Van Helsing: No time for that. We're going through that window.

Carl: Why not the exit?

Van Helsing: They'll be expecting that.

Anna: Why not that window? (Points to different window)

(Van Helsing shoves Anna out the window and then Carl who drops his invention, and then leaps out the window himself)

Anna: Aren't we forgetting something?

(Frankie's screams can be heard from inside)

Van Helsing: Oh crap. I knew I was forgetting something.

(Van Helsing starts freaking out on Carl)

Carl: Van Helsing! You didn't tell me you were a werewolf!

Van Helsing: Don't you remember the part of the movie where Frankie shoves me and starts babbling on about me being bitten?

Carl: Uhm.. NO... I sorta zoned out.

Van Helsing: Damn it, Carl.

Tai: Where were we in this scene?

Moon: I dunno. I got some donuts.

Tai: Oh yeah.. I was baking cookies.

Carl/Van Helsing: Cookies?


	9. Van Helsing's Birthday!

**Setting: Dracula's castle. It's Van Helsing's birthday (since it's close to Moon's b-day which is January 7th... GET HER SOMETHING NICE! -cough-)**

All Singing: Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday dear Gabriel! Happy Birthday to you!

Tai: Yay! Here! I got you a present. -hands Van Helsingh this snazzy pin- ()

Van Helsing: -Reads pin- "I Kill Evil Junk"... Erm... Thanks...

Moon: I got you this_ autographed_ photo myself. -beams-

Van Helsing: Erm... That's weird... I mean... Thoughtful.

Carl: Oh! Oh! Me next! Me next! -hands Van Helsing a big box-

Van Helsing: -tears wrapping paper off- A box! Yay! -clings to box-

Carl: -sigh- No... Look _in_ the box...

Van Helsing: Oh... Right. -opens box-

Tai: -peering over Van Helsing's shoulder- It's a chemistry set...

Van Helsing: -dumps chemistry set out and sets box over head- Yay! A box! ()

Moon: Dracula, you next.

Dracula: -wicked grin- Here. -hands Van Helsing a teddy bear that is oddly ticking-

Van Helsing: Aww. It's cute... Are you gay?

Dracula: What?

Van Helsing: Nevermind. -throws bear at Anna-

Anna: -hesitates because she forgot Van Helsing's birthday- Uhm... -pulls piece of gum out of her pocket- Go crazy.

Van Helsing: -- Oh, you're too kind.

Anna: Whatever. -walks off with teddy bear-

Tai: What a whench. (xD)

**There comes the sound of an explosion far off and the scream of "MY WIG!"**

Moon: What the hell was that?

Tai: -grinning- That, Moon, was the sound of a bitch exploding...

Van Helsing: O.o

Carl: Okaaay, Tai.

Dracula: CURSES!

Moon: You jerkwad! -chews Dracula's arm off-

Dracula: -trying to shake Moon off- Get off of me, you psycho!

Tai: Happy birthday, Van Helsing!


	10. The Mirror

**Setting: Anna's house. She's following Van Helsing and Carl around, complaining as usual.**

Anna: -whining- What are you going to do now that you're a werewolf! What happened to Velkan? Did you kill Velkan? You did kill Velkan, didn't you? You idiot! I never got my birthday present! I can't get a present from a dead person...

Van Helsing: Carl, where's my gun?

Carl: Van Helsing, you can't commit suicide! You have to save the world from Dracula!

Van Helsing: Who said I was going to kill myself. I wanna kill her!

Carl: The whole point of this mission is to keep her alive!

Van Helsing: And we're going to do that because...?

Carl: To tell you the truth... I've no idea...

Van Helsing: -sigh-

Carl: Hmm. -stares at map on the wall- This is an interesting map. I wonder what it's a map of.

Van Helsing: -ponders for a moment- Dude! I have this thingamajig and it would fit in that corner perfectly. Isn't that bizarre?

Tai: Oh, Van Helsing... You're a bright one.

Moon: Shut up! -hits Tai on nose with magazine-

Tai: -whimpers- Sowwy.

Carl: Give me that! -snatches map piece from Van Helsing and sets it in its rightful place-

Van Helsing: Hey! That's mine!

**Map turns around to reveal an odd mirror...**

Anna: Oh! A mirror! Time to check my sexy self in it.

Tai: Carl, do you still have the directions to the bathroom in this place?

Carl: Yes, in my pocket... Why?

Tai: I think I'm gonna spew.

Van Helsing: -watching himself in mirror- Hey, watch this. -rubs his stomach and pats his head at the same time- Ain't I amazing?

Moon: Oh yeah.

Van Helsing: -strutting back and forth- Who's that sexy beast? -goes to hug self and falls through mirror-

Moon: Holy shizz! Where'd he go?

Carl: It appears the mirror is some sort of doorway.

Tai: Thank you, Captain Obvious.

Anna: -snort- Well, I'm not going through it.

Van Helsing: -reaches through mirror and drags Carl through- Dude! You've gotta see this!

**Tai and Moon follow while Anna hesitates. She finally goes through, complaining the whole time.**

Tai: -smacks a piece of duct tape on Anna to shut her up- Gosh, she's so friggen annoying.

Moon: DUDE! Look at Dracula's bachelor pad! That's snazzeh.

Van Helsing: Bachelor pad? He's got three "brides."

Tai: Dude, no one said he was married to them... He's such a player.

Anna: I'm cold. I wanna go home. Carl's covered in snow so I'm going to complain about it. OMG! There's snow in my hair. It's going to get all frizzy!

Moon: I think you missed with the duct tape, Tai.

Tai: Oh. Sorry. -smacks another piece of duct tape over Anna's mouth- There. That should do it. -thumbs up-

Van Helsing: How are we going to get inside?

Carl: Well, we could try flying...


	11. Hope Takes Flight and Crashes

**Setting: Where we last left off. The group is outside Dracula's castle, trying to figure out how to get inside.**

Carl: Van Helsing, are you sure this is a good idea?

Van Helsing: Of course it is! Don't doubt my logic! I'm the brains of this operation after all!

Carl: What about the time you said Italy was neutral?

Van Helsing: Shut the hell up. It had to be at some point.

Anna: This snow is making my hair frizz!

Carl & Van Helsing: (simultaneously) Shut up!

Moon: (all floofy-haired) You have no idea. -.-

Tai: Haha! (Afro-ness) Shit.

Carl: Will you three be quiet? Van Helsing's about to do something no man has ever attempted before. He's going to... fly!

Tai: I'm sure plenty of people have tried to fly... They just don't usually live to tell about it.

Van Helsing: Carl, help me with the straps.

Carl: (tightens straps on Van Helsing's cardboard wings) I still think this is a bad idea.

Van Helsing: You're still jealous because I got to be Zorro.

Anna: Can we go NOOOOW?

Van Helsing: (takes deep breath) Well... Here goes nothing.

**Van Helsing runs as fast as he can, flapping his makeshift wings rather ridiculously. He lifts only slightly, but not enough to take flight and crash-lands near the castle right below a door with a large sign that reads "Side Entrance: Personnel Only."**

Carl: Well... that's convenient. Come on.

Van Helsing: (Dazed and stumbling) 'Ey! Look at da sign. It says "slide entrance." Are we at the park, Carl?

Carl: O.o Yes, Van Helsing... The park.

Tai: Is he going to be okay?

Carl: Oh yeah... I'm sure. He can't be too much different with a concussion than he would be normally.

Moon: (opens door) That's funny. It wasn't even locked. Well, come on then.

Van Helsing: I wanna be first! The lines for the slides are always SOOO long.

**The group walks in to find Igor pacing about the room, mumbling to a pet parrot on his shoulder, apparently named I-Gore. **

Carl: Is that a parrot?

Van Helsing: Ohh! Are we in the Bahamas? I wanna pet dolphins!

Anna: Ohh! I can get a sun-tan as soon as I get a bikini wax. It's starting to look like the Amazon down there.

Tai, Moon, and Carl: O.O

Tai: Eww.

Moon: Ouch.

Carl: Oh jeeze. (Shakes head)

Van Helsing: Bikinis are nice... but not on fat people... unless they're like... skinny-fat people. Those are nice. I like birds. Can I pet your Parrot?! What's his name? POLLY?!

Igor: (glaring at all of them) His name is I-Gore. And, no, you can't pet him.

Van Helsing: (throws spinny-whoosh-whoosh blades at Igor, pinning him to the wall upside-down; I-Gore bursts into a cloud of feathers) I wanna pet POLLY!

Moon: I don't think you should refuse him. O.o He's kinda scary when he's got brain damage.

**Frankie's screaming can be heard from close by.**

Anna: Oh my God! He's in a giant block of ice. Those giants must be thirsty. Are you like.. The lemon or something?

Frankie: What?

Carl: What happened to you?

Van Helsing: Ohh... Shiny ice.

Frankie: (raises eyebrow at Van Helsing before looking back at Carl) I fell into Dracula's swimming pool. I think somebody tripped over the cord of the pool-heater... thing.

Carl: o.O And what does that have to do with it?

Frankie: Well, it's cold outside.

Tai: Why were you swimming when it was freezing outside?

Frankie: Have you SEEN how pale I am?

Anna: Where's this swimming pool? I need a tan!

Moon: Van Helsing, you go THAT way. Find that swimming pool. (pushes him in the right direction)

Tai: And you two (points at Carl and Anna) need to go down that inconspicuous corridor labeled "Werewolf Antidote Here."

Carl: Why do I have to go with Anna?

Moon: Because we said so.

Carl: (mumbles)

**Everyone runs off in separate directions. Moon and Tai exit the scene as well**.

Igor: Okay... Can someone get me down now?


	12. Wet and Kinky

**Setting: We found ourselves in the corridor leading to the Antidote Room where Carl and Anna are headed.**

Carl: Damn. This place is dark. I can't see a thing.

Anna: Good! You can't see how pale I'm becoming.

Carl: (rolls eyes) Will you pleases st- (trips over something)

**A dull 'thunk' can be heard from behind; the door closed.**

Carl: Shit! Now what are we going to do.

Anna: I dunno. This was your idea.

Carl: No it wasn't. It was Moon and Tai's!

Anna: So. You followed along.

Carl: So did you! (Sighs) Arguing isn't going to get us anywhere. We know this leads to the Antidote Room so let's just find this Antidote and figure out how to get out of here later.

Anna: (snorts) Fine.

**The two enter a large, round room with a high ceiling. The walls are lined with shelves, all full with various vials of different colored liquids. In the center of the room stands a pedestal with a syringe floating in coffee.**

Carl: Wait... How is a syringe floating in coffee? And how is coffee just... floating?

Tai: Shut up! We do have the power to kill you off if the plot just happens to call for it.

Carl: How'd you get in here?

Tai: I'm not. (Vanishes in a puff of logic)

Carl: Okay. That was weird.

Anna: Well, coffee's sticky so I'm not putting my hand in it.

Carl: I'm allergic to any kind of beans... Including coffee beans. I'll swell up like a balloon, choke, and die a horrible death.

Anna: Really? You're awful morbid for a friar.

Carl: Look, lady, when you've been hanging around Van Helsing as long as I ha-

Aleera: GOOD EVENING!

Anna: (squeals) Do you HAVE to yell? I mean, the acoustics in this room are bad enough.

Carl: When did you learn the word 'acoustics?'

Aleera: Yeah wh-

**While Aleera wasn't looking, Carl pushed Anna into the pedestal, causing the dark blackish-brown liquid to spill all over the female Vampire.**

Aleera: My dress! Do you even know how much this cost on More than you're worth!

**Carl picks up the syringe of Werewolf Antidote and rushes out through a secret doorway, labeled "Not an Exit."** **Anna is left behind with the angry Aleera to fend for herself. Carl continues down the secret passageway until he's back into the main entrance where Igor is still hanging out. (Haha. Bad puns are fun.)**

Carl: (to himself) What the hell is in this syringe anyway? It looks like... orange juice...

Igor: (shaking himself, his shirt tears a bit and he's free; he falls face first onto the ground) How dare you do this to me! Do you know who I am?

Carl: (stops, surprised) Uh... Yeah. That ugly guy who works for Dracula.

Igor: (glares) Not JUST that! I herd his cattle, too! (pulls out cattle prod)

Tai: Eww. Igor likes it kinky.

Carl: Uh oh.

Moon: I'd run if I were you. He's got to be pretty lonely.

**The scene switches to Anna and Aleera. **

Anna: (thinking fast for such a slow person) Hey! I know what will get that stain out. My mother used to use it all the time. Garlic-Holy water works great.

Aleera: Really? I'd never thought of that. But how are we going to get some? I can't exactly fight you looking like... this.

Anna: There are plenty of bottles here. There's got to be one somewhere. (Searches through shelves until she finds a bottle of clear, green-ish liquid labeled "WARNING: Do not drink! Bad for Vampires!") Oh! Here's some.

Aleera: Thanks. (Pours it on dress, flesh starts to melt) Ahh! You tricked me! (Melts into a pile of mush)

Anna: Oh... I didn't know vampires were allergic to water.

**Notes and Stuff: Not a very long chapter, we know. Sorry about that. Oh, and the "vanishes in a puff of logic" thing is copyright to someone else. It's from the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. **


	13. Squeaky Toys & Happy Endings

**Setting: Inside the castle in the huge Grand Hall. Van Helsings standing around, still looking for that pool. He's wearing swimming trunks, sunglasses, and a Hawaiian T-shirt. Dracula appears out of nowhere, very confused.**

Dracula: Uh... How did you get in here?

Van Helsing: I FLEW!

Dracula: Riight. What are you doing here?

Van Helsing: Pool party! Duhr. Why do you think I'm dressed like this?

Dracula: (childishly) What pool party. I didn't invite you. I don't invite losers.

Van Helsing: (stops) What did you call me?

Dracula: You heard me! Losers. (Smirks)

Van Helsing: I am NOT a loser! My mommy told me so!

Dracula: (confused) Well... how does it feel to be the left hand of God and not... the... RIGHT ONE? (Smiles triumphantly)

Van Helsing: (gasps) You cut off God's hand? He's gonna be ma-ad.

Dracula: See. If you don't even know what you're talking about, you can't come. (Sticks tongue out at Van Helsing) Loser.

Van Helsing: I am not a loser!

**Van Helsing, angered by Dracula's schoolyard-bully insults, starts shedding his skin. His face lengthens into a muzzle, dark fur sprouting from his skin as he turns. Dracula turns as well, screeching as he changes into his demon form.**

Van Helsing's Werewolf Mind: _Hmm. Squeaky toy? Yay!_

**A bloody battle ensues, Van Helsing chasing after Dracula for most of it while the Vampire runs away screaming. It's not long before the Werewolf catches him and bits his throat (like in the movie; ohh, we're original). Van Helsing's Werewolf side is sad about the fact that his new toy is now "broken."**

**Carl comes out of nowhere, running for Van Helsing with the syringe of Antidote. He jabs it into the beast's back and Van Helsing slowly returns to normal, still wearing tattered swimming trunks, but there's a problem. Van Helsing's Werewolf tail is still present, sticking out of the seat of his pants and his ears are still triangular like a wolf's.**

Van Helsing: That was very nice of you to cure me, Carl, but.. Uh... I don't think it totally works.

Carl: Oh... Well, there's not much I can do about that, now is there? I suppose we could get you to a doctor and-

Van Helsing: No! (Cuddles tail) I've grown too attached to it.

Tai: Don't you mean it's grown too attached to YOU?

Van Helsing: No! (Looks around) Hey. Where's Anna?

Moon: (walks in holding a bloody radio antenna, her shirt slightly stained with blood) I 'unno. Maybe she didn't quite make it. Aleera's pretty tough, you know.

Tai: O.o A radio antenna? C'mon, Moon. You can do better than that.

Van Helsing: Well, I s'pose it's time to be getting out of here.

**Later: Van Helsing, Carl, Moon, and Tai are all at a party, celebrating the death of Dracula and his evil brides. **

Van Helsing: You know. This whole adventure's been pretty great. I just can't help but feel that we've forgotten something.

Carl: I'm sure if it was too important, we'd have noticed it missing.

**THE END.**

**... Or is it?**

**Somewhere in the north Atlantic, a giant is very angry about a warm glass of water. Frankie's been floating at sea for longer than he can remember, but it feels like decades have passed by. The sound of a ship's horn can be heard and he looks up to see the see the words TITANIC drift by him just before metal bites into his floating home.**

Frankie: Aw shit.

**A few hours later, Frankie's still floating in a small(er) bit of ice.**

Rose: Jack. Don't leave me, Jack. Please. (Sobbing)

Frankie: Oh, stop your whining.

_Notes:_

_Well, folks, it seems we've reached our final chapter. And chapter thirteen, too! Ohh. Spooky! That's the end of this particular spoof, but there's sure to be more in the future. We thank everyone for the reviews and the support. WE LOVE YOU OUR LOYAL FANS! Keep watching for new spoofs on either of our Fanfic accounts._

_-Moon and Tai_


End file.
